When I am triggered into a place of fear I feel completely alone. Afraid and alone my deepest wounding!

When my mum was pregnant with me she had a fall causing her to go into hospital at 27 weeks pregnant until I was born 12 weeks later. They feared that I would not survive and ordered complete bed rest until the birth.

My mum was full of fear, panic and anxiety, would her baby survive? had she done something wrong? was it her fault? All these thoughts and feelings increasing her stress hormones which she shared with me, her unborn child swimming in a cocktail of adrenaline and cortisol.

My life has been run on fight and flight energy causing panic attacks, overwhelm and eventual exhaustion.

I am still healing this deeply ground in conditioning, it is taking so much self compassion and kindness, its not easy especially as I learnt to minimise, deny and make fun of any pain I experienced as a way to cope.

Today is different, I am as gentle as I can be, treating myself with tenderness and care, slowing down as much is possible to check in with myself first and what I need.

Self care is a muscle I have to practice over and over again, but I am willing because I am committed to not let my past keep running my future, especially now I am aware of it.